Saturday, May 4, 2013

Letting My Freak Flag Fly!

Friday’s blog is supposed to be things that make me uncomfortable-hmm, where do I start?  Everything?  How long can/should this blog be? 

Here goes nothin'!  I'm uncomfortable when...

… I’m a chronic over sharer.  I blame my mother, and while I always get on her about sharing WAY too much, I’m pretty sure it’s genetic.  I’m doomed.  My future children will be doomed.  Some people find this endearing until, yep- ran over the lines of comfortable and then I just SMILE and hope they stare at my pearly whites instead of the acknowledging the complete over share I shoved in their face.  Hey, wanna be friends?

...animal beating/adopting/dying commercials.  Yep, the minute Sarah McLachlan's angelic voice comes on I'm changing the channel immediately before the waterworks begin!

…Babies.  Yep, terrified.  Of course I want to have children, but that’s a newish development too.  From 0-26ish I swore up and down no kids.  They were weird, smelly, life sucking little monsters and I LOVE to play with- and then send home.  I’ve always liked little kids but never really wanted them… until now.  Thank you extremely loud biological clock that keeps shouting in my brain.  Back to babies.  Babies to me aren’t all that cute.  I know, I heard you gasp out loud, but I’m sorry friends- it’s true.  I think they all kind of look like wrinkled old men and who wants that hanging off of your… I digress.  Babies come with noises, smells and they can’t communicate what they want so you’re reduced to starting at this little screaming human trying to mind read… yep, super excited for that.  Why can’t someone just take it for like 6-8 mo until they’re A) more durable, B) a little more communicative and C) do more than eat, sleep and poo.  Does that make me a bad person?  I think not!  But then you see all of these newborn photos and they’re sleeping and they just look so, yep here it comes, cute.  Another one bites the dust folks, I may want one- but they still terrify me! lip gloss catching my hair.  Love me some MAC lip gloss and holy Hannah my lips look luscious with it on, but the minute I feel a breeze it's like a fly to fly paper.  Never fails.  My shampoo doesn't taste like it smells :(
...making eye contact at the gym while I'm working my bum off.  With Eye of the Tiger or other upbeat angry workout music playing in my ears, my body killing me and sweat running down my forehead eye contact is NOT what I want.  Look away... look away....

…the outdoors.  I was not raised as a “nature girl”.  Give me a Starbucks and a city and I’m golden but the “outdoors”- completely foreign.  My idea of camping was, mom shut your eyes, driving out to the woods, consuming adult beverages and sleeping in my car!  My friends thought it was HILARIOUS when I went on my first semi-real camping trip and I brought my straightener.  Ok, so we weren’t hiking up a mountain and sleeping on the ground.  We were at a state park, I slept on a floatie, brought a suitcase and there were restrooms (with plug ins).  I think the joke was on them because my hair was FABULOUS!
That's me using a car charger to power my pump for my floatie mattress.  Resourceful, I think so!

…being embarrassed.  I do not get embarrassed easily and can laugh at myself in just about every situation.  However, on those rare occasions when I do get embarrassed and uncomfortable- WATCH OUT!!  It’s like cat backed into a corner bad, and this little kitty will lash out with full on mamma with cubs Bengal tiger mode.  You’ve been warned.
...swearing.  Not all swearing earns a spot in the I want to punch you zone but things like ladies calling their friends "whore, b*, slut, hooker...etc" as a term of endearment... yeah, not endearing at all! 
...certain words.  "C" word, moist and a couple other will land you on the DND list.

…negative people.  Ps- I can’t stand you.  By now you should have figured out that I’m an eternal optimist and glass half full kind of gal.  Bad things happen and I have my “I hate (insert something here)” days but I usually bounce back with a bottle glass of wine and a good nights sleep.  I don’t do well with people who, after much supporting/talking off the ledge/giving advice still refuse to try to look for the silver lining.  There is ALWAYS one.  Shoot me a scenario, I dare you.

…hugs.  No, people touching me in general.  Unless you’re my really good friend, and I mean REALLY good friend, don’t hug me.  And when you do hug me for the first time, it will be awkward- you’re welcome.  I prefer to love you from afar.  Touching…Don’t do it. End of story. 

…three words… Open. Mouth. Eaters.  Need I say more?
...lip smacking sounds.  Anything from gum popping to kissing noises- sloppy and gross!

The list could go on and on but I’ve got to leave a little mystery! 
Until next time…

No comments:

Post a Comment